A problem that impacts my life severely at certain points is the chemical imbalance in my brain.
I hear a voice. I'm not sure if it is more than one voice because they never talk at the same time, but i know there is at least one that talks in different tones and pitches.
I am not a Schizophrenic. I genetically inherited a chemical imbalance that happens to effect me in this way. It always tells me discouraging things. It tells me that I shouldn't be where I am. The people that I'm with don't want me there. I'm not worth hanging around with, its a waste of people's time and i should just leave instead of wasting their time even more.
Everything it says has some sort of impact on me. Everything it says is mostly true, or completely true, even if i am not aware of the truth. For example, I was friends with a girl at school for a long time. We both were in the same group of friends for a long time, we had a class together, we lived near each other, everything that could make a relationship thrive.
One day we both decided we liked each other and started to go out. The voice in my head (I'll call him Jack to spare any confusion) started to tell me that she had absolutely no feelings for me what-so-ever and that she is just trying to be nice and lead me on. At the time i was too happy to listen to Jack and I simply dismissed what he said.
Caught in the mental euphoria of a new relationship, i began to dismiss Jack and any warning signs of his comments. Before long Erica, the girl, started to lose interest in sparing my feelings and stopped communicating with me whenever I tried to strike up a conversation about the things we had in common. She made no efforts to spend any time with me and ignored my efforts to spend time with her. Jack however, being the passive aggressive and sadistic son-of-a-bitch that he is, decided to give me encouraging comments. He told me that she is just going through an awkward stage of a new relationship and that everything will turn out okay. I believed it because I wanted it to be true.
After a month an a half of being ignored and treated like an ally dog, she finally broke up with me. I saw it coming and was braced for it, but it hit me a million times harder than i had expected. Jack was so convincing and everything he said just made me over think situations. It was torture inside. I thought Erica was nice enough to spare my feelings and at least let me down softly since we used to be such great friends, but that would be too easy wouldn't it...
I found out that she had been cheating on me, she went to prom with another guy while telling me she had plans with him a few months prior (And because of Jack, i thought nothing of it). The day proceeding the break up one of her guy friends came to our group at lunch and she showed him more affection in that half an hour period than she showed me in the month and a half we were together. They are now together and I wouldn't be at all surprised if they didn't have a little fuck fest going on behind my back... And to top it all of she goes around and tells people I was an insensitive prick and that I'm a psycho because of Jack. I showed her absolutely nothing but compassion...
If Jack wasn't urging me on the whole time and setting me up for a horrible failure, I could have realized all of these signs and ended it as soon as it started.
This was just one of the situations that Jack got me into.
He is a horrible entity inhabiting my head and I'm looking to get rid of him. On June 8th, 2010 I am going to a doctor to see if there is a medication for my imbalance and if psychotherapy would help. He has many characteristics that make him too powerful to beat.
Everything he says is so believable and my mind takes it in and blows it out of proportion to the point that I can't take it anymore. I start to go into a panic and I can't hear, I can't move, and I can't speak or think. I am completely at his mercy and I can do nothing to combat him.
To be continued... (The effects of the break up and another mental instability)
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