"You know I paid a lot of money for these pictures so I would remember that night forever. Now I'd pay to forget it"
That's what I told Sarah as I watched me and Erica's picture from prom go up in flames.
Getting rid of that helped but recently I have been remembering and seeing photos of last school year [2009-2010] and even though I don't wish to be with Erica at all, or even relive when I met the group, it still pains me to think about my entire Junior year at Vanden.
I wish there was someway I could forget the entire year. Nothing but grief came out of it. There are a lot of friends I'm glad I met, and I hope to see them next year, but I just wish most of that year never happened...
I'm just writing what comes to mind right now. I have a lot of mixed emotions. Sorrow, anger, envy, curiosity, and strangely a tiny glimmer of hope. 99.9% of my feelings at the moment are horrible and I just want to smash my computer against the wall. But that .1% is the hope that next year will make up for it all. As I'm writing this Jack is telling me it'll turn out the same as Sophomore and Junior year, ending unfathomable dispair, and unfortunately he is probably right...
If I can find a way to forget Junior year, I will not hesitate to take action.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Unfortunate effects...
If you by chance read my last post you would know that Erica, my now ex-girlfriend, did some hurtful things. I would say that I am almost over her now, but right after the break up was no fun at all.
The break up was on a Monday.
Tuesday:
Jack was absolutely no help what so ever. At this point he had me convinced the break up was my fault. His constant scrutiny caused me to literally be sick of myself. I took a look at myself in the mirror and immediately started gagging. I couldn't take it anymore, I was too disgusted, I threw up. Seeing the stomach acid going down the sink made me wonder how I was going to be able to cope with my failure. Then all I could do was miss and think of Erica.
The only way I could bare to see her at school without breaking down in tears was to find a way to make me not think about her. So I went to my medicine cabinet and pulled some old vicodin out of the back of the cabinet. It was that knock-off stuff they give you for getting teeth pulled.
On my way out the door I took the small pile of pills out of my pocket and swallowed them all. By the time I arrived at school I couldn't feel anything. My body was numb, as well as my mind, and that is what I needed. I was able to spend that morning surrounded by three of my great friends (Dustin, Isaiah, and Sarah) so I was able to avoid the sorrow of an awkward confrontation.
At lunch everything was going okay. I was sitting at a different table than Erica but still in the same general location. About half way through lunch, the guy she went to prom with showed up. "Coincidentally" him and his girlfriend broke up that day. He got more affection and happiness out of Erica in that 20 minutes than I did in a month and a half... I left the table and spent the rest of that lunch in a class room full of noisy students to attempt to drown out Jack and his relentless "You are a failure" speeches.
When I got home that day I was still feeling extremely depressed so I took some more vicodin and popped a palm full of Motrin. All this did was deepen my depression and I found comfort in my old friend, the razor blade. I went into the bathroom and just started doing little nicks and cuts on my legs but the Jack started to speak and tell me all of the horrible things that happened and started telling me reasons why. He had never been wrong so far so it just made me even more depressed. I put around 20 cuts on my left bicep and carved in the word failure. I got in the shower and just watched as the blood ran down my arm and felt the wounds sting under the river of steaming hot water, hoping that my emotional pain would drain away with it. It didn't...
Wednesday:
Yet another horrible day of the same situations, palming any pills I had in the cabinet, Throwing up at the sight of my reflection, and Erica's new guy, Joey, showing up at the table. I went home feeling just as worthless as before and yet again, found condolence in my razor. I put 30 more cuts in the same location as the previous day but this time I went deeper.
Thursday:
Again, same situation as Tuesday and Wednesday... But that night was different. I had found out that Erica was cheating on me behind my back with Joey and now they are planning a little "movie night" to get together, just them two... I had also found out that Jack was yet again, correct in his statements. Erica had been leading me to believe she cared for a month and a half when in reality she didn't care at all. I started texting Sarah trying to vent my anger about the situation. I basically said that I don't care about either of them (Erica or Joey) and both of them are dead to me because of their actions. It would be difficult not to kill one of them and write a note to the other in their blood. Erica found out I was angry about the situation and she started pointing fingers at me saying that I was the prick. All I had ever done was show her that I cared and tried to work out any obstacles in the relationship and she started calling me the insane, evil, crazy, psychotic one and telling her parents that I needed severe mental help, even though I already am. I was so angry I had no idea what to do other than to carve up my body to the point of dangerous blood loss. I had the razor in my hand, ready for anything but to my surprise, I was too angry to cut myself...So I just sat there... doing nothing. I couldn't do anything...
Today, about 2 weeks after the whole ordeal, I am mostly over Erica. I figured if she is going to do something so heartless to me she wouldn't be worth my pain. I think about her less and less everyday but when I do, Jack still pipes up with "You fucked up..." even though I know I was just a puppet in a story that wasn't meant to have a happy ending.
That was the only thing I ever put my whole heart into and trusted the other party to care...And she just trampled all over it and ripped it to shreds. You can bet I won't be making that mistake again...
The break up was on a Monday.
Tuesday:
Jack was absolutely no help what so ever. At this point he had me convinced the break up was my fault. His constant scrutiny caused me to literally be sick of myself. I took a look at myself in the mirror and immediately started gagging. I couldn't take it anymore, I was too disgusted, I threw up. Seeing the stomach acid going down the sink made me wonder how I was going to be able to cope with my failure. Then all I could do was miss and think of Erica.
The only way I could bare to see her at school without breaking down in tears was to find a way to make me not think about her. So I went to my medicine cabinet and pulled some old vicodin out of the back of the cabinet. It was that knock-off stuff they give you for getting teeth pulled.
On my way out the door I took the small pile of pills out of my pocket and swallowed them all. By the time I arrived at school I couldn't feel anything. My body was numb, as well as my mind, and that is what I needed. I was able to spend that morning surrounded by three of my great friends (Dustin, Isaiah, and Sarah) so I was able to avoid the sorrow of an awkward confrontation.
At lunch everything was going okay. I was sitting at a different table than Erica but still in the same general location. About half way through lunch, the guy she went to prom with showed up. "Coincidentally" him and his girlfriend broke up that day. He got more affection and happiness out of Erica in that 20 minutes than I did in a month and a half... I left the table and spent the rest of that lunch in a class room full of noisy students to attempt to drown out Jack and his relentless "You are a failure" speeches.
When I got home that day I was still feeling extremely depressed so I took some more vicodin and popped a palm full of Motrin. All this did was deepen my depression and I found comfort in my old friend, the razor blade. I went into the bathroom and just started doing little nicks and cuts on my legs but the Jack started to speak and tell me all of the horrible things that happened and started telling me reasons why. He had never been wrong so far so it just made me even more depressed. I put around 20 cuts on my left bicep and carved in the word failure. I got in the shower and just watched as the blood ran down my arm and felt the wounds sting under the river of steaming hot water, hoping that my emotional pain would drain away with it. It didn't...
Wednesday:
Yet another horrible day of the same situations, palming any pills I had in the cabinet, Throwing up at the sight of my reflection, and Erica's new guy, Joey, showing up at the table. I went home feeling just as worthless as before and yet again, found condolence in my razor. I put 30 more cuts in the same location as the previous day but this time I went deeper.
Thursday:
Again, same situation as Tuesday and Wednesday... But that night was different. I had found out that Erica was cheating on me behind my back with Joey and now they are planning a little "movie night" to get together, just them two... I had also found out that Jack was yet again, correct in his statements. Erica had been leading me to believe she cared for a month and a half when in reality she didn't care at all. I started texting Sarah trying to vent my anger about the situation. I basically said that I don't care about either of them (Erica or Joey) and both of them are dead to me because of their actions. It would be difficult not to kill one of them and write a note to the other in their blood. Erica found out I was angry about the situation and she started pointing fingers at me saying that I was the prick. All I had ever done was show her that I cared and tried to work out any obstacles in the relationship and she started calling me the insane, evil, crazy, psychotic one and telling her parents that I needed severe mental help, even though I already am. I was so angry I had no idea what to do other than to carve up my body to the point of dangerous blood loss. I had the razor in my hand, ready for anything but to my surprise, I was too angry to cut myself...So I just sat there... doing nothing. I couldn't do anything...
Today, about 2 weeks after the whole ordeal, I am mostly over Erica. I figured if she is going to do something so heartless to me she wouldn't be worth my pain. I think about her less and less everyday but when I do, Jack still pipes up with "You fucked up..." even though I know I was just a puppet in a story that wasn't meant to have a happy ending.
That was the only thing I ever put my whole heart into and trusted the other party to care...And she just trampled all over it and ripped it to shreds. You can bet I won't be making that mistake again...
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Not a schitzo/ She tears my heart to peices
A problem that impacts my life severely at certain points is the chemical imbalance in my brain.
I hear a voice. I'm not sure if it is more than one voice because they never talk at the same time, but i know there is at least one that talks in different tones and pitches.
I am not a Schizophrenic. I genetically inherited a chemical imbalance that happens to effect me in this way. It always tells me discouraging things. It tells me that I shouldn't be where I am. The people that I'm with don't want me there. I'm not worth hanging around with, its a waste of people's time and i should just leave instead of wasting their time even more.
Everything it says has some sort of impact on me. Everything it says is mostly true, or completely true, even if i am not aware of the truth. For example, I was friends with a girl at school for a long time. We both were in the same group of friends for a long time, we had a class together, we lived near each other, everything that could make a relationship thrive.
One day we both decided we liked each other and started to go out. The voice in my head (I'll call him Jack to spare any confusion) started to tell me that she had absolutely no feelings for me what-so-ever and that she is just trying to be nice and lead me on. At the time i was too happy to listen to Jack and I simply dismissed what he said.
Caught in the mental euphoria of a new relationship, i began to dismiss Jack and any warning signs of his comments. Before long Erica, the girl, started to lose interest in sparing my feelings and stopped communicating with me whenever I tried to strike up a conversation about the things we had in common. She made no efforts to spend any time with me and ignored my efforts to spend time with her. Jack however, being the passive aggressive and sadistic son-of-a-bitch that he is, decided to give me encouraging comments. He told me that she is just going through an awkward stage of a new relationship and that everything will turn out okay. I believed it because I wanted it to be true.
After a month an a half of being ignored and treated like an ally dog, she finally broke up with me. I saw it coming and was braced for it, but it hit me a million times harder than i had expected. Jack was so convincing and everything he said just made me over think situations. It was torture inside. I thought Erica was nice enough to spare my feelings and at least let me down softly since we used to be such great friends, but that would be too easy wouldn't it...
I found out that she had been cheating on me, she went to prom with another guy while telling me she had plans with him a few months prior (And because of Jack, i thought nothing of it). The day proceeding the break up one of her guy friends came to our group at lunch and she showed him more affection in that half an hour period than she showed me in the month and a half we were together. They are now together and I wouldn't be at all surprised if they didn't have a little fuck fest going on behind my back... And to top it all of she goes around and tells people I was an insensitive prick and that I'm a psycho because of Jack. I showed her absolutely nothing but compassion...
If Jack wasn't urging me on the whole time and setting me up for a horrible failure, I could have realized all of these signs and ended it as soon as it started.
This was just one of the situations that Jack got me into.
He is a horrible entity inhabiting my head and I'm looking to get rid of him. On June 8th, 2010 I am going to a doctor to see if there is a medication for my imbalance and if psychotherapy would help. He has many characteristics that make him too powerful to beat.
Everything he says is so believable and my mind takes it in and blows it out of proportion to the point that I can't take it anymore. I start to go into a panic and I can't hear, I can't move, and I can't speak or think. I am completely at his mercy and I can do nothing to combat him.
To be continued... (The effects of the break up and another mental instability)
I hear a voice. I'm not sure if it is more than one voice because they never talk at the same time, but i know there is at least one that talks in different tones and pitches.
I am not a Schizophrenic. I genetically inherited a chemical imbalance that happens to effect me in this way. It always tells me discouraging things. It tells me that I shouldn't be where I am. The people that I'm with don't want me there. I'm not worth hanging around with, its a waste of people's time and i should just leave instead of wasting their time even more.
Everything it says has some sort of impact on me. Everything it says is mostly true, or completely true, even if i am not aware of the truth. For example, I was friends with a girl at school for a long time. We both were in the same group of friends for a long time, we had a class together, we lived near each other, everything that could make a relationship thrive.
One day we both decided we liked each other and started to go out. The voice in my head (I'll call him Jack to spare any confusion) started to tell me that she had absolutely no feelings for me what-so-ever and that she is just trying to be nice and lead me on. At the time i was too happy to listen to Jack and I simply dismissed what he said.
Caught in the mental euphoria of a new relationship, i began to dismiss Jack and any warning signs of his comments. Before long Erica, the girl, started to lose interest in sparing my feelings and stopped communicating with me whenever I tried to strike up a conversation about the things we had in common. She made no efforts to spend any time with me and ignored my efforts to spend time with her. Jack however, being the passive aggressive and sadistic son-of-a-bitch that he is, decided to give me encouraging comments. He told me that she is just going through an awkward stage of a new relationship and that everything will turn out okay. I believed it because I wanted it to be true.
After a month an a half of being ignored and treated like an ally dog, she finally broke up with me. I saw it coming and was braced for it, but it hit me a million times harder than i had expected. Jack was so convincing and everything he said just made me over think situations. It was torture inside. I thought Erica was nice enough to spare my feelings and at least let me down softly since we used to be such great friends, but that would be too easy wouldn't it...
I found out that she had been cheating on me, she went to prom with another guy while telling me she had plans with him a few months prior (And because of Jack, i thought nothing of it). The day proceeding the break up one of her guy friends came to our group at lunch and she showed him more affection in that half an hour period than she showed me in the month and a half we were together. They are now together and I wouldn't be at all surprised if they didn't have a little fuck fest going on behind my back... And to top it all of she goes around and tells people I was an insensitive prick and that I'm a psycho because of Jack. I showed her absolutely nothing but compassion...
If Jack wasn't urging me on the whole time and setting me up for a horrible failure, I could have realized all of these signs and ended it as soon as it started.
This was just one of the situations that Jack got me into.
He is a horrible entity inhabiting my head and I'm looking to get rid of him. On June 8th, 2010 I am going to a doctor to see if there is a medication for my imbalance and if psychotherapy would help. He has many characteristics that make him too powerful to beat.
Everything he says is so believable and my mind takes it in and blows it out of proportion to the point that I can't take it anymore. I start to go into a panic and I can't hear, I can't move, and I can't speak or think. I am completely at his mercy and I can do nothing to combat him.
To be continued... (The effects of the break up and another mental instability)
First Post
I don't expect anyone to read this, and honestly I don't know why I'm making this blog... Don't assume that because of the morbid title and bleak hopeless layout that I'm just another teenager crying out for help and expecting people to listen.
I'm quite different than most humans adrift in this unforgiving world but when my alarm clock sings its aggravating tone every morning, I put on my false front and begin the day.
I suppose I'm making this to simply publish my thoughts and feelings about who I truely am and if people end up wasting their time to read this far into my short introduction, then thank you.
I'll post things on different topics that i feel the need to talk about but i don't want to make scheduled posts. If something comes to mind, i'll write it.
I'm quite different than most humans adrift in this unforgiving world but when my alarm clock sings its aggravating tone every morning, I put on my false front and begin the day.
I suppose I'm making this to simply publish my thoughts and feelings about who I truely am and if people end up wasting their time to read this far into my short introduction, then thank you.
I'll post things on different topics that i feel the need to talk about but i don't want to make scheduled posts. If something comes to mind, i'll write it.
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